If you've ever felt the rib-cage ache of pet loss months after the loss itself, you already know that grief doesn't read the textbook. It comes in waves, ambushes, surprising tides. Months in, you can be fine for a fortnight and then knocked over by the smell of an old jumper.
That is grief, working as it should.
There is a different shape of grief that doesn't move — that stays sharp and disabling for many months, and starts to take over the basics of life. Internationally, that's now recognised as prolonged grief disorder (PGD).
This post is the explainer companion to our piece on the signs of PGD after pet loss. Here we'll separate four overlapping things — ordinary grief, prolonged grief disorder, depression, and post-traumatic stress — so you can talk about your own grief with more accuracy, and so you know where to take it for help.
1. Ordinary grief
The grief most of us know.
- Comes in waves.
- Slowly, unevenly, softens over months and years.
- Can include sadness, longing, anger, guilt, numbness, relief — sometimes all in the same hour.
- Can include short periods of intense pain triggered by reminders (a song, a smell, the supermarket aisle).
- Does not, over the months, fundamentally take over your ability to live your life.
- Often softens enough by the one-year anniversary that the grief has changed shape — quieter, more bearable, more bittersweet than crushing.
Ordinary grief still hurts. It can still bring crying jags at six and twelve months. The defining feature is that it is moving — even slowly.
2. Prolonged grief disorder (PGD)
Officially recognised in ICD-11 (used by the World Health Organization and informing NZ clinical practice) and DSM-5-TR.
Key features:
- Persistent, intense yearning or preoccupation with the person (or pet) you've lost.
- Lasting at least 6 to 12 months after the loss.
- Causing significant impairment in social, work or daily functioning.
- Often includes identity disruption ("I don't know who I am without them"), avoidance, emotional numbness, intense loneliness, and difficulty accepting the death.
The headline distinction is not "more sad than other people." It is time + functional impact: grief that has stayed the same intensity over many months and is genuinely interfering with your life.
PGD responds to specific treatments — grief-focused CBT and complicated grief therapy in particular. It is not a personality flaw. It is not weakness. It is a recognised condition with recognised treatments.
3. Depression
Depression and grief look similar from the outside. They are not the same.
Depression tends to involve:
- Persistent low mood that isn't focused on the loss specifically.
- Pervasive guilt or worthlessness ("I am a bad person") rather than grief-specific guilt ("I should have noticed she was sick sooner").
- Loss of pleasure across most of life, not just in the absence of your pet.
- Often, suicidal thoughts.
- Symptoms that may pre-date the loss or persist independently of it.
You can have grief alone, depression alone, or both at once. They can require different support.
4. Post-traumatic stress
PTSD is the body and mind's response to events that were experienced as life-threatening or horrifying. It can appear after a traumatic loss.
Possible features after pet loss:
- Intrusive images of the moment of death.
- Flashbacks or nightmares.
- Strong physical responses (panic, racing heart) when exposed to reminders.
- Active avoidance of any reminder.
- Hypervigilance, being on edge.
If your pet's death involved a traumatic event — a sudden accident, a difficult euthanasia, a long medical crisis — and you're now experiencing intrusive symptoms, this is its own thing and deserves its own support. PTSD is treatable.
How they overlap
In real life, these often co-exist. A grieving person may have:
- Ordinary grief that is slowly moving + a depression that pre-dated the loss.
- Prolonged grief disorder + PTSD from a traumatic moment of death.
- Ordinary grief that is so intense in the first months that it looks like PGD until it begins to soften.
This is one of the reasons we don't recommend self-diagnosing from a blog post. The reason for understanding the categories is to be able to describe what you're experiencing accurately to a GP or counsellor, and to take the symptoms seriously enough to ask for help.
What to do if anything here resonates
The single most useful thing you can do is talk to a GP. Even a 15-minute appointment to describe what's been going on. Your GP can:
- Help you make sense of what you're experiencing.
- Refer you to a counsellor or psychologist where appropriate.
- Discuss whether short-term medication might help (it sometimes does, especially for sleep).
- Tell you what funded options are available in your region.
Other places to start in New Zealand:
- NZ Association of Counsellors — nzac.org.nz — registered counsellors, search by region.
- NZ Psychologists Board — registered psychologists.
- Need to Talk? — call or text 1737 (free, anytime, trained counsellors).
- Lifeline NZ — 0800 543 354, or text HELP (4357).
- Samaritans NZ — 0800 726 666.
- 111 in an emergency.
Ask whether the counsellor or psychologist has experience with grief and pet loss specifically. Most do; the careful question saves a wasted session.
A note on shame
If you have been quietly worried that you are grieving "too much" or "for too long" for an animal — please let this post be a small invitation to take the grief seriously, and to take yourself to support that takes it seriously too.
There is no exchange rate between species and grief. The relationship was real. Your loss is real. The help is real.
We are sorry. We hope this is useful. Please don't carry this alone.
Companion post: When pet grief doesn't lift — signs of prolonged grief disorder. For broader NZ resources, see our pet loss support guide.